Photos

For me the beauty in it isn't necessarily the picture, because, well, anyone can take a photo. For me each photo holds a story or represents something important to me. It has no real significance or understanding until it's given a purpose or a name. Kind of like someone drawing a line on a piece of paper and putting it up in a museum and calling it 'my ex boyfriends cock'.

As soon as I can think of appropriate names I will

there's something missing

Eventually after taking a few shots I came across a few photos which made me think of the phrase 'something is missing'. I thought about this for a while and then realised what a load of shit it was. Ok so the picture's looked like there should perhaps be something else in them, but once you got over that and actually look at the photo's and what would be the background to what was missing it is beautiful in its own right. It does not mean nothing is there, it just means you have to make a bit more effort looking for it, why should everything be so easy to see?

To see if I can see the things I see everyday in a new light

I use the term loosely as I have never studied photography and I haven't studied an art since I was 16 (unless you count languages). Yesterday I was sitting around bored out of my mind and I decided to set myself the target of taking photo's of the things I see everyday in their normal boring states and see if I could make them beautiful. The thing about being stuck at home every single day is that you overlook the beauty around you. There is beauty everywhere. So i went with my shitty digital camera in hand to go outside and snap away (whilst holding the lends open manually as its broken... and its not actually mine, woops). 

Considering I don't take photography and I don't have photoshop on this laptop I think I have done pretty damn well! I decided to edit them in a variety of ways. I came to realise I liked contrast, shadow, lines, curves, that kind fo thing. Although views are beautiful, they are not easy to photograph and don't give you good contrast and all that crap bla bla bla. So i ended up focusing on close ups of things I see all the time but I don't really look at.

I have made a slideshow at the bottom with more of them.

Hobbies

Sometimes I just find myself flitting between hobbies because the idea of them is brilliant, but putting that into action, not always great fun. 

Since I've been home I have made photographic collages, started sketching again, eaten my weight in food, read roughly 40 books, listened to 10x more obscure albums than I usually would, started tearing apart my clothes and re-sewing them and researching art and photography online. I have also started learning about social exclusion, childrens rights, social policy, education law & policy amongst other policy stuff all relating to the degree I will hopefully start in September. I would try more energetic hobbies, but I have a feeling I would probably keel over and not get up again. 

Yet I still just don't know what to do with myself. I'm fine if I have to go to work or see someone or have some sort of purpose that is not just relative to relying upon myself, then I am fine as I can get something productive done. But it is almost like I can't quite rely on myself to do anything productive.

I have made myself a challenge for tomorrow to photograph random aspects of my everday life and see if I can make it beautiful and interesting... well at least that gives me something to do I suppose.

I think it's probably worth mentioning that I have dropped out fo university because I was diagnosed with ME and have been trying to work around that for the past couple of months, which in one sense is good because finally the last few years make sense and bad because, well because I have ME. 

I think VICE magazine is my savior

Beautiful People

"An idea for narrative content which needs developing, im not sure if it has enough weight yet.....The predicament and position of love, sensitivity and sentimentality within todays 'dating' society, the sought of world inspired by tv shows like Sex and the City. When people are in the position to think that when they are not having a sexual relationship with someone there life is a failure of some soughts....But this culture trend along with the fear of commitment and drinking culture inspires relationships to end before they've begun....But do these people involved with these fast relationships/one night stands/fuck buddies ever miss the people they have been with....To stubborn to be regretful perhaps maybe this what spurs them on to the next quick fix....I'd like to investigate what these men and women could really be thinking about one another but would never admit to perhaps not even to them selves.

Within these next few posts i'll be using women as models, in farely sexually exploitative manner to perhaps represent how people want to see how these relationships went rather than the way they did. But then hopefully I will experiment with a few more romantic styled situations.....to stylise will a bit more challenging." - http://pfg84.blogspot.com/

This is him writing about the line of thought he wants to take with his art work. He is so negative about himself and others, yet one of the most beautiful people I know. I  feel like sometimes he misses out on how beautiful things and people can be. I think so many of us waste our talents and beauty by being paranoid about others perception of ourselves. I swear todays society brings out the worst in us. I find myself so often thinking vindictive things about people because I think that they are thinking negatively about me. Then I just feel profoundly guilty. It's a shame we can't seem to be more honest with ourselves and each other to inspire a little more confidence in relationships that 'end before they begin'.

In respect to him wondering whether people ever 'miss the people they have been with'. I know I have met someone briefly, so briefly, yet felt a profound connection and miss them, which in theory is ridiculous because I have only met them once before. But I just find myself thinking about this guy called Tom repeatedly. I only went on several dates with him a few years ago. We don't know each other virtually at all, but I just find myself repeatedly wondering how he is or what he is upto. Bit silly really.

But then again if we cannot figure out why we think about people or what feelings they inspired in us during the relationship, how are we really expected to know how we feel about someone after it happens? We change as we grow and so surely, so do our feelings and emotions? Surely that includes our perceptions? Which would therefore affect the way we percieve the relationships we have had in the past? 

Maybe it's like depression. It's a chemical reaction in the brain. When you pull yourself out of it your less likely to remember what you were thinking/seeing/believing when you were depressed. Time is a healer, but even more so, our minds have the power to block out painful experiences. More to this, if there is a chemical reaction ocurring in your brain obscurring the memories and experiences then surely that is going to warp the way we see the relationships and experiences even more so? 

So if we think of love/lust/fear/hatred in the same sense as depression (or being drunk, as being drunk works in the same way) then surely were even less likely to percieve said relationships in the same manner as when we were feeling those powerful emotions.